(Mid)life in Crisis?

Everything in your life - every experience, every relationship, every encounter - has led you to now.

But what if you regret it?

A life is made up of layers of events, places, relationships, experiences . . . and your interpretation of them. These create the stories of your life. You write them. The culmination of all your stories has brought you to this present moment. Who you are today. What you call now.

These stories form layers on your life, each one layered atop the last. The older you get, the more stories (layers) you collect. Somewhere in the middle of life, we question everything about our lives. We call it a “mid” life crisis, but that “mid” part can start earlier than you think.

The midlife crisis is marked by emotional upheaval, a pressing desire to change, and a deep level of self-reflection that is often laden with regret. Regret is one of the components of a midlife crisis.

Regret comes when you disconnect from now. You reinterpret and reevaluate past stories based on how you feel about life today. 

What if I . . . 

• had gone away for college?

• married my first love?

• took that job on the other side of the country?

When you engage in constant reinterpretation of stories from your past, you create additional layers (and a convoluted mess). The “truth” is obscured by your retelling that you edit along the way.

Consider this: Can you more accurately tell someone the story of the movie you watched last night, or one you watched ten years ago?

This reinterpretation also ignores the fact that you adapt and change according to your stories. How you interact and interpret your day-to-day life results in incremental changes to who you are and how you show up in the world. You are not the same person you were then.

For example, you may experience a shift in your self-confidence when you are passed over for a promotion and choose not to apply for the next one. Then, years down the road you tell yourself that if only you had applied you would be much further in your career today, making much more money. Regret.

This is a story, a reinterpretation of the past. Regret places old you and current you at odds.

Fifty-year-old you would handle a bullying situation or the break up of a relationship differently than fifteen-year-old or twenty-year-old you. The same is true of taking that job, marrying that person, or making that bold cross-country move. But when you replay past stories . . . and critique your “then” self with the experience and wisdom of your “now” self, you reinforce a message that your choice was wrong. If only you had made a different choice, life would be better.

THAT is regret.

But, it’s a lie.

Projecting “what could have been” is you rewriting your stories with your own movie script. You go full Hollywood, dramatizing it with all the special effects. Then, you watch it again and again and again, convincing yourself that your dramatized version is what would have happened. You’ve replayed it so often that it feels real.

And, this isn’t the full package of regret. Regret is cemented when you tell yourself that it’s too late. Because life did not play out as it did in your cinematic version you have no hope. You’ll just have to play the cards you were dealt, accepting that you’ll never get out of life what you want.

Harsh as it is to say, regret is a choice. So, how do you break free from it? 

Live in the present moment. Forgive. Protect your inner peace.

The easiest way to guard yourself from the habit of regret is to never hop aboard that train. The more recent the regret (I wish I hadn’t handled that situation at work the way I did today) the easier it is to rectify (I’ll go talk to that person first thing tomorrow to apologize).

This is an example of how to avoid developing a regret habit by living in the present moment.

Living in the Present Moment

As we’ve discussed in our Deep Dive, taking time to know who you are and what you want out of life is a worthwhile journey. Developing an ever present sense of self-awareness can guide your day-to-day thoughts, words, actions, behaviors, and decisions. 

When you reflect on past stories, remind yourself that you were a different person then, living in a different chapter of your story. Even if today’s you would have handled the situation differently, it doesn’t matter.

Let go of your attachments to your past stories. You don’t need to rip out the chapters of your stories from your life’s book, but let go of what could have been. “Could have been” doesn’t exist.

There was a period in my life when I was constantly trying to “catch up” to where I thought I was supposed to be in life. 

I used to batter myself with “I wish . . . .” I wish I had never stopped pursuing acting. I wish I had vacated that toxic relationship earlier than I did. I wish I had left my job before I burned out. 

Your life is now, this present moment. Instead of expending energy wishing the past were different, bring your energy into the present. 

Regret festers and grows like a virus when we burn today’s time on yesterday’s problems. You are detaching from today to remain attached to yesterday. You will never catch up to the present moment that way.

Retire “I wish,” so you can hold onto the present moment with both hands and your whole heart.

Forgiveness

When you begin to release your attachment to the past, don’t be surprised if you have to put up a fight. You will have a list of people to blame for all your regrets, including yourself.

Forgive yourself and others for past events. Forgive that bully that called you names and made your life hell in school. Forgive that friend who betrayed your trust. Forgive that boss that passed you over to promote a newer employee. Forgive your past self for making decisions that today’s self considers poor choices.

Don’t shame your past self. Your past self brought you to your present self, and your present self has plenty of life left to live.

I use this the following phrase to release regret, guilt, and any other icky emotions anchoring me to the past: “It’s okay.”

You didn’t handle a fight with a friend well fifteen years ago? It’s okay. You left a job without notice five years ago, leaving people in a lurch? It’s okay. And, it’s okay for you to release it all.

Your power, your strength, is in today.

Protect Your Inner Peace/Joy

As you release your regret habit, you will reconnect with your inner peace. You will appreciate the sense of knowingness, but it will be challenged. Be prepared to protect it at all costs.

When you least expect it someone will hit you with the perfect volleyball setup for a spike across the net of regret. It is usually someone who is well-meaning, like a parent or close friend.

My ears are on alert for key phrases like:

• Don’t you wish that you had . . .

• It’s too bad you didn’t . . .

• You should/could have . . . (then you would have . . .)

I usually put the kibosh on that before the full sentence can make it out of someone’s mouth. As soon as I hear, “Don’t you wish that . . .” I respond with a polite, but firm, “Nope. That’s in the past, and I don’t do regret.” 

Here are some responses I’ve found helpful:

• That wasn’t my experience.

• I don’t regret my past, because it’s made me who I am today.

• Why live in the past by wishing it was different. I’d rather live in today.

The main objective is to combat regret sentence starters like the ones above by establishing yourself firmly in the present moment.

Don’t fight with the past, my friend, you won’t win. Let the past be what it is, and be here now. Be present, practice forgiveness, and protect your inner peace.

Life is happening at this very second, so make it count. 

CONNECT with now.

Sending you all peace, love, and harmony.

Do You Need Help Tapping Into Your Potential?

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