Self-Sabotage: Oops! I did it again!

You frantically scurry between your bedroom and bathroom, tossing toiletries, clothes, and other essential items for travel. You know you should have prepared better, but you were busy and just couldn’t get around to it. So, here you are packing in the wee hours of the morning. You hope to get at least five hours sleep.

Underwear? Check. Tops and bottoms? Check. Shoes? Check. Two dresses? Check. Bathing suit? Check. Toothbrush, toothpaste, makeup, hair supplies, and cleansers? Check to all. 

You fold your items to best use the space in your luggage, and finally settle down for a few hours rest.

It will be later today at the port when you realize you’ve forgotten the most important item. Your passport.

3 Forms of Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage cloaked in procrastination can lead to future regret.

Why do you self-sabotage and how can you stop engaging in it?

At the root of it self-sabotage is fear. 

Self-sabotage takes many shapes. You may be aware you engage in self-sabotage but feel unable to stop. I’ll highlight the most common types of self-sabotage I see my clients engage in, then I’ll offer solid solutions to breaking free.

#1 Avoidance

This is the most basic level of self-sabotage. You avoid doing the things you know you need to do to accomplish what you say you want to accomplish. Avoidance often comes in the form of entertainment, like scrolling on social media or playing a video game. You tell yourself:

“I’ll work on it later.”

“I can do it tomorrow.”

“I have plenty of time.”

You kick the proverbial can down the road and from time to time you get frustrated by your lack of effort. You never fix it.

#2 Poor Decision Making

I call this squirrel brain. You settle on a particular decision. You declare it emphatically. Your mind is made up. Then, like a squirrel playing chicken with a minivan barreling towards it, you make an abrupt turn the opposite direction. You become a casualty to the minivan.

This erratic decision-making style is the result of fear. The swift change in direction is typically towards safety. You turn down a job, because you will make less money. However, that job has more opportunity for upward mobility and better benefits than what your current employer offers. 

This lack of confidence in your own answers also results in making decisions based on other people’s opinions of what you should do. Sticking with the scenario above, you decide to take the new job. You see the future growth financially and professionally. A friend dissuades you, pointing out that there is no guarantee of future growth. Feeling conflicted, you decline the offer.

#3 Purposeful Procrastination

All forms of self-sabotage are all bad, but purposeful procrastination is the worst. This is what purposeful procrastination looks like:

• Being perpetually busy with the necessities of life.

• Helping other people solve their problems or build their dreams.

• Planning what you are going to do but never doing it.

Let’s play out each of these scenarios so you understand how easy it is to develop a self-sabotage habit.

You’re Too Busy

Have you ever spent your entire day being busy? You tell yourself that you are going to work on your side hustle that you want to make your main gig every weekend. However, you get to Sunday evening, sit back to relax, and realize that you did absolutely zero to build that side hustle. You were too busy. 

You reflect on your weekend: 

You got up Saturday morning and enjoyed a cup of coffee. Then, you spent the morning cleaning up the house. After that, you ran all your errands that you neglected during the week. You took the kids to a school event and you ate dinner out. Exhausted from the day’s activities, you go to bed early. That accounts for day one of your weekend.

Sunday started with coffee, breakfast, cleanup, and taking the kids to the park to play with their friends. Your car needed to be  cleaned, so you made it a family project. You paid your bills, then took time to plan your upcoming family vacation. The rest of the evening was spent preparing dinner, cleaning up, and planning for the work week.

You surmise that you were too busy to work on that side hustle. You’ll work on it tomorrow evening, if you have time.

This is self-inflicted mental manipulation. You convince yourself that you are too busy to do the things you say you want to do. After all, you have responsibilities, right? Everything you did was necessary. So, life never changes. 

You are the Perennial Problem Solver

You are a great friend. Whenever someone has a problem, they call you. No matter what is going on, you drop everything and help your friends out. You’ve helped your friends change tires on the side of the road, install fences in their backyards, and remodel their bathrooms. You’ve even helped them start their own businesses.

Being a dependable, “tried and true” kind of friend is important. However, it becomes an issue when you are investing your time and effort in building someone else’s “better life” at the sacrifice of your own.

You invest in other people’s dreams when you are unsure how to invest in your own. You solve other people’s problems when you are afraid of tackling your own. 

Paralysis by Analysis

You have plans. Big ones. You tell everyone about your plans and all the things you’re going to do. People always ask you how things are going, and you tell them about how you’re strengthening your plan. You are always doing more research and tweaking your plan to make it better. You know that success only comes when you have a solid plan. 

You’ll get started once your plan is perfect.

These are forms of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are not aware that you are doing these things on purpose, then you will continue sabotaging your efforts.

All the behaviors above train you to be helpless. Do you catch yourself saying things like, “I don’t know why I procrastinate? I just do. I know I need to stop, but I don’t know how?”

Let’s fix that.

How to Break the Self-Sabotage Cycle

• Be aware that you are engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors on purpose. Be aware that you are doing it because you are afraid. 

• Mindfully engage with the things you say you want to do. Do this by scheduling days/times that you will do that thing. Set alarms to remind you. Be consistent.

• Understand that breaking the self-sabotage habit will take time. If you’ve been doing it for years, it will take longer than a week to correct. Again, be consistent.

• Remind yourself that it is not selfish for you to invest in you. I’m speaking in terms of personal growth, not buying a new wardrobe. Invest in building the life you want. No one will build it for you. 

• Know why you want what you say you want. Do you want that new job because it offers an opportunity for you to expand your knowledge of your field, or are you more interested in the extra pay and benefits? There is no wrong answer, but you need to know the answer.

• Be action-oriented. Plans are necessary. I write business plans for clients. I help them plan for events. You need structure. However, you will never know how effective a plan is until you put it into action. My clients know that we tweak a plan once we have it in place based on the information we gather from implementing it. Follow the 80/20 rule - 20% planning, 80% action. Plan. Act. Act. Act.

Self-sabotage is a problem only you can solve. You can read mountains of self-help books and binge on podcasts with experts pouring out their brand of secret sauce. If it helps, do it. Don't go down a rabbit hole. Take in a spoonful of helpful information, then apply it. 

You are the boss of your life. Be independent. Solve your problems.

Take Action

Are you ready to take action but are at a loss on what step to take next? 

I can teach you how to get started and accelerate your growth by using repeatable methods. Need the tools? I’ve got them. The goal is always to make you independent. I should be working myself out of a job. Once you take off, you may want to have a session from time to time, especially if you are scaling your goals. A good coach teaches you how to stand on your own two feet. Contact me today. Are you ready to CONNECT?